Fenix vs. Qui Gonn Jinn
by Eagle Squad
Summary: The heroes from Starcraft meet the main cast of "The Phantom Menace"


Fenix vs

Fenix vs. Qui Gonn Ginn

(there isn't a whole lot of objectionable language, but some scenes may be inappropriate for pre-teens) 

Legal notice:Starcraft and characters are trademarks of Blizzard Entertainment and not me.All Star Wars characters are trademarks of Lucasfilm ltd. 

(This story will be a whole lot more clear than "The Dead Man's walk" I promise. Just read carefully and you won't get lost)

Now down to the story…

The Lo-down: The evil Templar lord, Marcraft (I got the name from a guy that led a gang of battle.net users that liked to backstab people on comp games) is planning to attack Aiur and has cornered Fenix and Raynor's Carrier, trying to capture them so they won't tell of his surprise attack …

A Few Notes: 1. Kerrigan is human on this story

2. If you come across the word "druids", (it's Microsoft Words spellcheck's fault) its supposed to be "Droids"

3. If you haven't seen episode 1 or played Starcraft, you may not understand the story.

4. Please pardon grammatical errors. Proofreading a 3000 word story isn't easy.

Raynor:Marcraft's armada is right behind us, our shields are at 32% and falling. Fenix,whats happened to the warp drive?

Fenix: I think the Battleships Ion cannon has jammed it. I fear we have no choice now but to surrender.

Raynor: No wait! I know how we can escape!! Head for that wormhole over there.

Fenix: Um, Raynor, I don't think that's such a good idea.

Raynor: Is it a worse idea than letting Marcraft hand us over to the Zerg?

Fenix: I suppose

(Fenix drives the ship towards the wormhole, Marcraft's fleet does not follow.When the ship hits the wormhole,it begins spinning wildly, Raynor thinks he's going to die if he doesn't throw up first, then he and Fenix pass out. And then, after a half hour or so, they regain conciessness….)

Raynor: Wohoo! We got away from Marcrafts fleet! Lets go home, Fenix!!

Fenix: We can't.Our warp drive is still damaged.We'll have to land somewhere to fix it.I'm detecting a planet up ahead. Maybe the people there can help us.

Raynor: Which planet is it?

Fenix: I don't know, but there seems to be a blockade of some sort around it.

Raynor: What kind of ships ARE those? They kind of resemble the orbital septic tanks that I have seen orbiting Terran worlds.

Fenix: Dang, they sure eat a lot!!

Raynor: Well, we'd better land and see if they can fix the warp drive.

Fenix: And I'm in the mood for some Protoss burgers.

Scene II: The viceroy talks with the hooded figure of Emperor Palpatine, future controller of the empire.

Viceroy: My lord, a funny-looking blimp-like ship entered Naboo. We fired at it, but It had a type of shield we have not seen before.

"Emperor" Palpatine: It is of no concearn.It's probably a separate container to hold the rest of Queen Amidala's Wardrobe.She has a different outfit for every day of the year. Keep a close eye out for Jedi or any smugglers.And keep wuhking on your British accent, Viceroy!!

Viceroy: Yes, my lohrd 

Scene III: Qui Gonn Jinn and Obi Wan Kenobi lead the others to the Naboo Capital city's hangar to travel to Coruscant.

Obi Wan Kenobi: Look masta, a ship is lunding up ahead!!

Gui Gonn Jinn: Ready your light saber, Obi Wann.I sense a strange disturbance in the force

( They arm their light sabers)

Queen Amidala: Qui Gonn, my lipstick is wearing off.I need to go fix it

Qui Gonn: (sigh) ok but make it quick, your majesty.

(The doors of the Carrier open, and out come Raynor, Tassadar, Zeratul, Fenix, and….

Raynor: Kerrigan!! What are you doing here?

Kerrigan: Well you left the door to the ship open all night before you left!! And besides, I hate it when you leave for such long trips, being away from you for so long!!

Raynor: (sniff) you could at least have taken a shower while you were on board 

Kerrigan: I tried to one time, but you were already in there.

(Obi Wann and Qui Gonn approach them, light Sabers armed.)

Raynor: (talking to the Jedi) Um, boys, Halloween was 6 months ago, and I think it's bright enough out here for you not to have to use flashlights.

Qui Gonn Jin: I am Qui Gonn Jin and this is my aprentice Obi Wan Kenobi.And if you are here to interfere with our mission I am going to have to destroy you.

Fenix: We come in peace, human.We just need a new ship that will get us back to the Planet Aiur.

Qui Gonn Jin: (disarms lightsaber) Um, yes and aren't you guys a little old to play pretend?

Fenix: 567 years, human. And if I had time to play I would.

Tassadar: We need to borrow one of your ships!! Marcraft is going to attack Aiur and must warn the Conclave!!

Qui Gonn: There is only one ship here, and we are taking it to Coruscant.The welfare of justice on this planet depends on it.And we are going to leave as soon as her majesty comes back from her vanity.

Kerrigan: cold you ask her if I can borrow it? I had to hide in a pantry for 3 days and I look like crap.

QGJ: No one is to enter the palace. Now if you will excuse us, we are in a hurry.

Zeratul: You must direct us to your hangar, we need to borrow your ship, that is, if it isn't so primitive it doesn't even have a warp drive.

QGJ: We will not give you our ship so you can play Space Pirates!!!I don't think you know what you are dealing with!!Me and my apprentice here are Jedi Knights.

(they arm their lightsabers again)

Fenix: Oh, how cute, your little flashlights. Well I'll have you know that me and my friends are of the best warriors in the Koprulu sector!!

Obi Wan Kenobi: Wow, whot is that?? Sectah of the flea peepull?

Fenix:If you think you stand a chance against the power of the Khali and the Templar, you are badly mistaken!!

(Obi Wan charges forward at Fenix, but he dodges and slashes Obi Wann with his Psi Blades. Obi Wan Screams in pain, and Qui gonn dashes forward and he and Fenix do fencing with psi blades and light saber, Tassadar tries to join in, but Obi Wan had already recovered, he does a savage slash at Tassadar with his light saber, and Tassadar quickly creates a plasma shield with his powers.It didn't block Obi Wan's attack completely and Tassadar fell backward from the force of the blow. Obi Wann charges forward at the fallen Tassadar but is kicked to the ground by Kerrigan. Padme and Captain hold out their blasters at Kerrigan and Raynor but Raynor has a Gauss rifle and Kerrigan has the All new C-11 Canister rifle)

Voice: stop!! You are disturbing the peace!!

(a group of 30 or 40 droids come running in!! Obi Wann dropped his light saber and had Tassadar in a headlock)

QGJ: Obi Wan!! Droids!!

Tassadar: Fenix, are those conclave droids?

Fenix: Tassadar!! I thought they were supposed to be Hydralisk spine resistant!! Weren't you in charge of making sure?

Tassadar: We ordered them off an infomercial, but they never came, so I told the engineer to come up with something himself. He is definitely going to hear something about this.

Raynor: Ahhh!! they are firing at us!!!

Fenix: Those things are equipped with lasers!!!Weren't they supposed to come with phase disrupters?

Tassadar: I seriously need to talk to the war department about this.Hey, those two weirdos are desrtroying the droids!!

(Obi Wan and Qui Gonn slash through all of the droids.)

Zeratul: (talking to Obi Wan and Qui Gonn, who are looking around to make sure they have finished off all of the droids) Humans, you are under arrest for causing damage to cheap Conclave property. I am going to have to insist that you come back to Aiur with us.

(Qui Gonn, who after destroying the droids, disarmed his lightsaber, reactivates it.)

Qui Gonn: ah, so the weird creatures with glowing eyes are from the trade federation!! I am going to suggest that we take YOU off to prison after we deal with the rest of your droids!!

Zeratul: did you hear that!!! These are enemies of the conclave!! Let's take these crazy old men out!!

(the fighting is resumed, and is interrupted by a voice)

Amidala: STOP!!! Qui Gonn, can you go one hour without doing a training exercise?I sware you Jedi have no life!!

Obi Wan: (thinking to himself) This from a woman that takes an hour to put her makeup on. (out loud)yore mahjesty, these life forms are agents of the federation, and we are going to have to arrest them before we leave.

Tassadar: (referring to Amidala) Your majesty?? This must be the leader of the Rebels!! Raynor, handcuff her!!

(Raynor approaches Amidala, she resists some, but is no match for Raynor, who handcuffs her just as instructed)

Tassadar: Young lady, you are under arrest for conspiring against the conclave.We will take you before the Conclave Parliament, who will set your execution date.

Kerrigan: (watching Raynor keep Queen Amidala secure, thinks to herself:) He's staring at her boobs.Ha!! If it's boobs he likes, I'll show him boobs!!He can't like her more than me.Just look at that outfit, where'd she come from, the circus??

Tassadar: Youare all under arrest for damaging conclave property, assaulting conclave warriors and conspiring against the Conclave. Will you come quietly as traitors or die as enemies of the homeworld??

Obi Wan: (looks confused for a minute, then arms his lightsaber and says) The onleh enemeh is you, you federation scum.

Raynor: (to Fenix) why do they refer to the conclave as the federation??

Fenix: Um, I don't know Raynor.Maybe they are socialists. Like Bill …uh …

Raynor: Clinton

Fenix: yeah, the Earth leader

(With a quick move, Obi wan Kenobie frees Queen Amidala of the handcuffs with his lightsaber and beckons Jim to back off, who threatens him with his gun.Kerrigan comes over and she and Amidala get into a cat fight)

Amidala: if you mess up makeup I just fixed, I will have you thrown in prison!!

(Obi Wan joins Qui Gonn fighting the three Protoss while Jar Jar Binks decides to take action, knocking Raynor's gun out of his hands. They both get into a fist fight.)

Raynor: Great, so these flashlight rebels are working with Zerg.

Jar Jar: Meesa no Zerg. Meesa Jar Jar. I-sa a Gungun!!

Raynor: Talking Zerg, what will the overmind think of next?

(Kerrigan strangles Queen Amidala with this weird head ornament which is supported with a neck strap and eventually falls down unconscious)

Kerrigan: (thinking to herself) Maybe one of the shopping centers here have breast enlargement pills. Ill show that Queen Amismalla Tits.

(Jar Jar Binks punches Raynor with all his might, but misses. Raynor counters with a Kick that knocks Jar Jar on the ground. Raynor grabs his dropped gun and fires, It goes through Jar Jar's first layer of skin, not killing him, but knocking him out. Raynor joins Zeratul fighting Obi Wan, where next to him Fenix is fighting Qui Gonn.)

Obi Wan: Mastah, there blahstahs don't fire lasers!!

Qui Gonn: They're probably just toys Obi Wan, just keeping defending yourself until they give up.

(Zeratul strikes Obi Wan, making a relatively shallow wound on his arm.Fenix hits his PSI blade on Qui Gonn's Light saber so hard that it explodes. There is a patch of ashes where it exploded and everyone gets up from falling down, covered in ashes, some with burns)

Scene IV: Kerrigan finds a shop in a town.The Shopkeeper is a Human-Twi-lek hybrid (the Twi-Lek are those humanoid beings with two "tails" sticking out on opposite ends of their head that were seen in the original Star Wars series.)

Shopkeeper: Can I help you?

Kerrigan: Yes, I'm looking for the T-760 pills.

Shopkeeper: Huh? Ma'm I don't think they sell any of those here.

Kerrigan: Where can I find them?

Shopkeeper: The prozac is on Isle two. If your not going to buy anything, I suggest you leave.

Kerrigan: I'm looking for breast enlargement drugs.Do you have any or not?

Shopkeeper: You know, you can always use bottles to feed you babies if your mammary glands can't keep up with you.

Kerrigan: I don't mean that kind of drug. I mean the kind that enhances your appearance.

Shopkeeper: (Folds hands) please don't tell me she's here shopping for the queen!! 

Kerrigan: No, I'm not shopping for the queen!!

Shopkeeper: Oh thank God!! We don't have any drugs like that but I do have something that will help.I have two products. Zab Cream and Flab cream. Zab cream grows allparts of the body it is applied to and fills it with muscle, Flab creem does the same thing but fills it with fat.

Kerrigan: I'll take one tube of Flab cream please!!

(Kerrigan goes into a back ally and applies the cream.Within minutes her hooters grow to the size of cantaloupes.She feels them.)

Kerrigan: (thinking to herself) Ah, big and plump, yet soft. Now we'll see who has the biggest guns!!

(Kerrigan then finds that her bra does not fit. She tries and tries, but can't get it back on.)

Kerrigan: (thinking to herself) Great, now I'll have to find a new Bra. Now every guy on the street will start hitting on me.

(she buts her small size bra in her pocket and puts on her shirt, and sets off to find a bra)

Scene V: after some bickering, Zeratul and Qui Gonn get into an argument about who's ship is stronger. They decide to have a contest.They take the fuel out of the only remaining Nubian Transport and place it in a Naboo Cruiser. Tassadar, Raynor and the others ready the Equinox to do battle. Now all is set.

Zeratul: Tassadar, deploy the interceptors, this should not be a long confrontation.

(They deploy the interceptors, which zip off towards the approaching Naboo Cruiser)

**meanwhile onboard the Naboo Cruiser**

Obi Wan: Masta!!They have deployed fightuhs!! It's a trap!!

Qui Gonn: Those aren't fightas Obi Wan. They are Robot-driven. None the less we must destroy them quick so we can get to Coruscant.

(The interceptors are extremely fast, the cruiser tries to shoot one of them down, but can't.The interceptors fire their pulse cannons – they don't do much damage. The Interceptors turn around for another run)

Fenix: You had to wreck that Corsair he had, Raynor.

Raynor: Hey was it my fault the controls were so complicated? Besides, it was real foggy, that Skyscraper came out of no- where. Hey, I've got an idea!!

(the interceptors attach themselves to the cruiser, the cruiser then approaches the Equinox to fire, thinking it has done away with the interceptors, then Zeratul activates the interceptors self desturct sequence. It doesn't destroy the ship, but it cripples it and makes itslowly waft about 400 feet to the ground, where it catches on fire)

Fenix: now let's go down there and arrest that scum.

(they land the carrier)

Obi Wan: Masta, wheh is the queen?

Qui Gonn:I don't know, but I'm tired of her girly little whims getting in the way. Let's just take the transport and leave her here.

Obi Wan: only one problem, we used it to fuel the cruisah!!

Qui Gonn: Blast!! We will have to use the fuel from that flying blimp!!Obi Wan, we will just have to let them take us away, maybe we can trick them into taking us to Coruscant….

This is only a prelude of a story of a battle between two sets of heroes from two different science fiction universes.

For more, keep checking this site.


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